[20 Dec 2009|10:52pm] unluckynumber13 Its been a long time since ive posted on here, I guess I never really need to. I kinda feel like I want to now. I have gone thought so many changes. I am ... a full time wife. A military wife none the less. Its kinda funny. Idk ... I am 19 I feel like ive grown up way too fast. I remember when I was 13 and 14 I acted so much older, I look back now and wish I could go slap myself back then and say wake up what the hell are you doing. Your running around half naked making out with another girl for god sakes your 13 what makes you think you can do that shit. I cant sleep tonight. I guess I just have alot on my mind. Things are just so .... crazy. you go through life thinking this is what ive always wanted. I wanted a loving husband and I wanted a house and to be an adult and do something exciting. I want ... to eat ice cream and stay up late. The innocent thoughts. When you get there you realise ... its much diffrent than that. I dont hate where I am in life, but I am .... I sort of have a question mark. Its one of those turning points. I have done 19 years of nothing. School. wow thats cool. Like ... what are we here for. idk just a million things. This may sound all like blabber but hey its my LJ and I guess I can write as much slander and bullshit and babble as I want now cant I. No one reads it ... and its just my thoughts. You know its odd. I still think about people alot. I talk to them still. Well ... some of them. So many people are gone from my lives. I still think about all my exs .... not like in a romantic I want to date them again way but things were just so diffrent when I was just dating. I pair getting married to the end of ... whatever teenage childhood like thing I had left. I recently got to talk to kyle again. It was kinda nice for the whole month he talked to me. I belive I am blocked again. maybe not blocked but .... at least not being talked to. idk whatever. I wish i could be in his life but i just dont think that I can. I was down in fla he said that he wanted to meet with me ... like that last day. I knew I couldnt. I knew that I just couldnt see him and handle that. Idk why ... it would just hurt us both. It was nice to talk to him again. I wish things where better for him though. I wish he could find a girl for himself ... that wasnt going to hurt him and that he really cared about and that wasnt stupid. He will some day. He is sweet and he has alot to give to someone ... and there is alot of him to love. He is just ... so intense. everything he does is ... to the extreme. All of his hobbies and the ways that he is ... they are all just ... in your face. not that I ever found that too horrible (aside from when he was up in TN but i wasnt ready for that) idk .... I saw him before I left. the last day I was down in sarasota. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I didnt know what to do. I couldnt breath ... I couldnt think. I texted him and I told him to not go in the store where I was ... Part of me REALLY wanted to go find him. But what would I say? How would I act what would I do. the last time I saw him I was kissing him goodbye at the airport.  So I didnt. When he asked me to come read the notebook ... I had to ask myself what would I do with this, feel worse. I would prob read it ... feel worse and cry then try to get a divorce and fuck all this up. What would I tell him I am sorry. I already am. So I just oppted not to. I think .... he is prob better for me saying that anyways. Ian and James, you two are just old hat. I dont mean that in the they are boring and terrible its just .... I have thought and written and talked about them so much ...I dont think I could anymore. It breaks my heart every time ... when I talk to either of them. Before I came here, I talked to bubba almost every week ... and Ian ... 4 or 5 times a week. I want nothing but the best of them Its odd. When I look at myself ... in a outside view I look horrible to still love and care about my x boyfreinds when I am married. I sound like a whore when I say I wish I could still kiss Ian when I see him ... or stand to see kyle period ... or lay in bed in the morning with bubba. But .... I am not. I am not doing those things even if I want to. idk maybe I am just strange. Do other people still long for those old happy moments? I tie all my happy memories with people. It makes me happy to love people and ... for them to love me. It makes me happy to be around people I think are interesting and fun and exciting. And ... all the people I have dated are that. They are such happy memories and each person holds a chunk of my heart. They hold it with fucking chains. I feel horrible though. Because I am with Mitch. Mitch is my husband yet ... I still think of all these other people. But ... its not in the same way ... as I did in the past. I dont see james in mitchs place or ... Ian or kyle or anyone ... Mitch is where he is supposed to be I think ... but is it wrong for me .... to still think about them. To remember them and smile or cry and the memories. One of my favorite memories is ian playing guitar. I honestly and just ... tearing up just thinking of it.  I think of him playing dust in the wind. He played the begging alot it was one of my favorites ... and ... I would lay in bed and listen to him. .... uuugh idk. Maybe im just having a hormone overload tonight. post comment

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